Humble Man

Where do I go from here? I need my mind to clear.

The Priesthood is what I need. Go to the Lord, he will lead.

A worthy man I did find. He loves the Lord and is kind.

Placing his hands on my head, unto Him our hearts plead.

The room shrinking and everything became small, unto God he did call.

Power surging like a river of fire consuming our righteous desire.

God listens to my tiniest pleas. All I have to do is believe.

This humble man healed me that night. He told me everything would be alright.

More poems

Sadness that lurks inside,

It's eating me alive.

Go away into a dark place.

I never want to see your face.

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Hiding in a shallow grave

Don't find me, I'm not that brave

Beyond this grave are zombies and vampires

All looking to fulfill their selfish desires

I must escape or forever fear

I'll never find a husband here.

This is representing the healing process. In order for me to move on, I have to deal with my previous relationship. Things I don't really want to do or things I have suppressed. It's time for me to become brave and deal with the emotions or heartache head on and get away from the cemetery of the dead relationship.

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Demon why are you here?

You don't belong in this sphere

For I am happy and full of life

You destroy and live with spite

Black and white describes us well

For I am heaven and you are hell

Realizing this was hard to do

You are the one I said I love you to

I'm going back to the relationship. Thinking about things. Sometimes it really did feel like heaven and hell. Black and white. Complete separation. Like living with a demon.

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When the dawn breaks my heart does too

I wake up next to you

I can't escape the hurt and sorrow

You'll be dishing it out today and tomorrow

I always hoped it would be better. That tomorrow or the next day or the next day would bring happiness and love. But with each sunrise the same problems did too. Things that would never be talked about and resolved.

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A weighted anchor dropped on me

Taking my breath and dragging me into the sea

In a state of shock and fear

I had to fight or disappear

I didn't know how to accomplish this task

Instead, I put on my happy mask

I was trying to remember the first time or moment when the verbal abuse started. I couldn't recall a specific moment, but I recalled feelings. It was like I was being dragged into the ocean and I couldn't breath. But I was expected to be happy about what was happening. If I tried to swim away or ask what was happening, I was dragged deeper into the black water.

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Demons are easily born

No announcement with a blaring horn

Still quiet deceptive creatures

Over taking your heart and becoming like leachers

Sucking the light out of your eyes

Replacing it with hate and despise

You'll never notice it's living there

It'll become something you nurture and care

The abuse happens so slowly or quickly you don't notice you're changing. You still think you are the same person, but you're not. The demon has overtaken you. You might be smiling, but inside you are frowning. I didn't know I was nurturing something I couldn't stand. I had a demon living inside me where a happy, smiling, loving woman use to be. Everyone that knew me before could see it had taken over. I was the last to see it. Even though I looked it in the eyes every day.

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Satan wants me to be afraid

To doubt the promises God has made

I won't let him win

For he is filled with sin

He doesn't want me to believe

He'd rather watch me grieve

Get out of my mind

You'll make me go blind

To not see what's in store

All you'll show me is a closed door

There is so much more for me to do

You're just causing it to go askew

Satan want's me to be afraid

To doubt the things I have prayed.

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What are we fighting for?

It hurts within my core

Yelling, throwing, punching

Is it all for nothing?

Fighting for me I assumed

In the end the pain consumed

A waving white flag in the air

I'm the one holding it there

I can't fight my army is dead

No words escaped my lips, it's all been said

This war was fought for nothing

Somehow I thought it was for something

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I can't believe you never knew

All the pain you put me through

The light in my eyes went dark

Nothing was left inside to spark

Each cunning word knocked me down

Did you not see me lying on the ground?

That is where you wanted me to be

Somehow it made you feel free

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You're like the freezing winter wind

I come in from the cold and you're still on my skin

You're also like the flu

Attacking what's strong and sinking your teeth into

Sometimes you made me smile

Somehow I knew you'd yell at me in awhile

I could never shake the feeling inside

The pain was eating me alive

The only way to break free

Was to say no to Eternity

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I never knew you could die and your lungs would still breath

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Vortex, I'm here, Spun, I didn't know

Oh No! It's coming

Trying to escape

It moves in closer,

Sucking me into it's space

Thrown around like a rag doll

It's trying to shred me, I want to bawl

I'm stronger than this, My house stands tall

Built upon a rock, I will not fall

Words hit me like raining rocks

Confusion swirls me in a cloud of dust

Emotions spinning wanting me to erupt

Running my mouth trying to reason

It's like telling winter it's no longer a season

The way out is to succumb

Give into the vortex until it's done

The dust settles as the vortex escapes

Leaving me to assess what it tried to erase

It can't erase what it's taken before

Pain and sorrow I try to ignore

The sucking vortex will eat up your heart

Then move on when the lights go dark

My house was destroyed before

Sucked up and spit on the floor

I can't click my heals to take me away from this place

I have to rebuild in this new space

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I'm here, I'm here, I'm here,

Where am I?

This place isn't mine

This life isn't mine

My aching heart tells me it is

Something familiar to see, to touch

All I have is Gods hands

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Self Esteem you are so low

Because the one you loved told you so

Told you things to hurt your soul

Spun me around till I didn't know me anymore

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I didn't know I was kissing fire

I thought it was desire

I didn't know I was playing in the bull's pen

I thought it was a meadow

I didn't know I was holding hands with a serpent

I thought you were a man

I didn't know I was marring a wolf

I thought you were a lamb

I didn't know when you told me you loved me it was a lie

I thought it was the truth

I didn't know it would end up like this

I thought it would be marital bliss

Journal Entry

October 13, 2001

The type of husband I don't want: one who is a slave to his job, who only cares for himself, who is obsesses with money, won't go to the Temple with me, head strong, quick temper, messy, lazy, a tight wad, unmotivated, or won't finish projects. 

I want a husband who will love me enough he'd never raise his voice at me, turn his back on me, ignore me, speak unkindly to me, control me, or physically hurt me. 

I was 21 when I wrote this.  I would have never thought in 3 more years I'd marry someone who would do all the things I never wanted.  Before I wrote what I didn't want, I wrote what I did want.  The same things I wanted then are the same things I'm looking for now. 

Sting, Try & Obey

The sting of relationship past knocks at my heart

Reminding me there once was a spark

The pictures show smiles and loving eyes

Behind the flash was dark nights and despise

A cute couple is what they said

The pictures and memories are now dead

The sting of relationship past knocks at my heart

Reminding me there once was a loving heart

I found an engagement picture and a wedding picture at the salon.  We looked so in love and happy.  The sting is referring to the good times.  It stings because you can remember how happy you were, but how sad it was too. 

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Try, I beg of you!

Anything, something new

Make an effort to improve

What I feel from you is removed

Slowly sinking in the sand

All I need to live is your hand

Try,  I beg of you!

I'm wanting him to try and save the marriage too.  I couldn't do it alone.  I was sinking in the sand and soon I would be gone;  Buried by the weight of the relationship.  It was so hard to carry alone and I needed him to help share the burden.  Give me his hand and take responsibility for his share.  

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Commandments I must obey

For that is the only way

Fold my hands in prayer

Bow my head, for He is there

My heart is filled and answers are told

As I read the words of old

Feeling the spirit burn within

The door is open. God enters in

Reminding myself that following God's plan is the only way to true happiness.  Also, He is always there and waiting for us to call on Him.  

I found a few more

Alone, echos in my head

Wanting me to feel dead

Alone, fills my heart

Piercing like a dart

Alone, my finger is now bare

Symbolizing he didn't care

Alone is a state of mind.  I was not feeling alone or lonely.  I'm explaining I'm alone because he didn't care enough about the relationship to work on it. The end result is getting divorced and not being a couple. 

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I cried inside

I'm drowning in a pool of tears

Made by my own lack of action to swim

I was feeling overwhelmed by everything happening to me.  I couldn't figure out how to make it stop or what was causing it.  I knew I needed to get out, but my head was under water and I couldn't think.  I didn't know if I was swimming up or down at that point.   It seemed like walls were everywhere I tried to escape. 

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I was happy once

It wasn't that long ago.

I dreamed

I dreamed of being married

I dreamed of children

I dreamed of being held tight

I dreamed of talking all night

I dreamed of sharing my thoughts

I had big dreams

Is what I was told

Whenever I shared anything about myself he would use it against me.  He told me I had too big of dreams and to not think so highly or reach for something I'll never have. (relating to a healthy relationship.  Not work goals or personal goals, just relationship goals.)   In my head I agreed with him, because I knew it would never happen with him being my husband.  

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Take me away from this place

Remove the walls crowding my face

Crumbling to the ground I fall

A million different pieces in all

I was like a mouse in a maze, running toward the next dead end.   I couldn't find a way out of the relationship.  I wanted to leave.  I was desperate and willing to do anything God told me to do; as long as I could be healed. 

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Dark windows as I approach the house

Inside will be quiet as a mouse

The darkest hours are just before dawn

What about silent nights and the tears they spawn?

He was working in Chicago and it was the best thing that could have happened for me.  It gave me room to breath and see what was really happening.  I was unraveling the web I was tied up in.  Some nights were dark and tearful as I reflected over my marriage and the reality of it. 

Conclusion

When I said, "Yes." I meant it for Eternity

When I looked in the mirrors no faces did I see

When I walked out of that Holy Place,

I never wanted those feelings to erase

He had a way of doing that you see

He took what I wanted and tossed it into the sea

As time when on so did the anger

Flames burning up my peaceful home making it a danger

Confusion was next

It crept in like the morning dew

So silent and quiet I never knew

I lost my inner voice

It was told to have no choice

The outer shell of my spirit protected what I hold dear

Then the tears appeared

Big or small it didn't matter the size

I learned to hold them in big surprise

Locked up, I couldn't break free

I made a promise for Eternity

God told me the promise will always hold true

I then knew what I needed to do

The night I made the choice, I heard my inner voice

"You deserve better than this, you are a Princess.

Go find a Prince who loves Me dear,

He will protect you and not make you fear.

Don't forget my blessings child,

This man you seek will be meek and mild;

He will Honor the Priesthood too,

Something you've longed and missed just for you." 

As I wiped the tears off my face,

I know I'm in a better place.

I wrote this to sum up my experience.  I was thinking about how am I suppose to tell my friends and family.  How can I tell them about the verbal abuse?  It can't be seen, only felt.  As I was pondering this, I had the thought to write a poem from the beginning of the relationship to the end, and this is it.  

There are a few points I want to bring out.  In the beginning when I say 'No faces did I see' I really didn't see us when I looked in the mirrors after the Sealing.   I was standing there and I could see him, but where my face was suppose to be, was my father-in- laws.   I tried moving around so I could see myself and his reflection followed me.  I remember feeling perplexed, uneasy, cheated, confused, and wondering.  When I turned around, my father-in-law was not sitting behind us, he was sitting in the witness chair off to the side.  It was so busy after the Sealing with the friends and family and congratulations, I didn't think more of it.  But the feelings have never left me.  

When I say 'The outer shell of my spirit protected what I hold dear' I'm talking about the Temple  Covenants I made.  The one thing he couldn't take from me;  The strength of Heavenly Father.  The tears that follow, I'm referring to all the times I sat in church by myself wishing to have a husband who would follow God's teachings.  All the times I went to the Temple and wanted to see him on the other side and in the Celestial room.   My whole life I dreamed of being in the Temple with my husband and at church with him; and when it didn't happen I was crushed.  Devastated.  Broken.  

The end when I talk about my inner voice speaking to me, I'm talking about things said in my Patriarchal Blessing.  (not specifically, per say)   But I always wondered why certain things were said during the  Marriage part of my blessing.  And I can't believe how accurate it has turned out.   I will say this one line written: 'I'm to accept nothing less than the Priesthood in my home.'  That simple line of truth has given me more strength than anything else.   I thought I had chosen the Priesthood to be in my home, but he has  free agency and chose not to follow.  It may seem so small, but for me it was an anchor.  The constant reminder to follow God's Plan and that is where happiness lies; and having the Priesthood in my home is where I can have an Eternal Family and the blessing surrounding it.  

 Also, when I was writing this part of the poem, it was so real.  My spirit was teaching me and telling me promises from Heavenly Father.   I was thinking about how many times we went to the Temple as a couple and it was 4x.  Once when I received my Endowment.  Once right before we got married.  Once on our honeymoon.  Then a year later we went to his friends Sealing, but no Session. (the only reason he went was because his Recommend was still active and he didn't have to go to church to renew it)   It made me sad.  For me going to the Temple is a HUGE part of my life, always has been.  Again, it was devastating to finally be able to go with my husband and he refused to go. 

The ending line 'I know I'm in a better place' states peace of mind.  The battle of my spirit and the confusion surrounding me is gone.  I'm not conflicted.  I am free of this burden.