I found a few more

Alone, echos in my head

Wanting me to feel dead

Alone, fills my heart

Piercing like a dart

Alone, my finger is now bare

Symbolizing he didn't care

Alone is a state of mind.  I was not feeling alone or lonely.  I'm explaining I'm alone because he didn't care enough about the relationship to work on it. The end result is getting divorced and not being a couple. 

........................................................

I cried inside

I'm drowning in a pool of tears

Made by my own lack of action to swim

I was feeling overwhelmed by everything happening to me.  I couldn't figure out how to make it stop or what was causing it.  I knew I needed to get out, but my head was under water and I couldn't think.  I didn't know if I was swimming up or down at that point.   It seemed like walls were everywhere I tried to escape. 

..................................................

I was happy once

It wasn't that long ago.

I dreamed

I dreamed of being married

I dreamed of children

I dreamed of being held tight

I dreamed of talking all night

I dreamed of sharing my thoughts

I had big dreams

Is what I was told

Whenever I shared anything about myself he would use it against me.  He told me I had too big of dreams and to not think so highly or reach for something I'll never have. (relating to a healthy relationship.  Not work goals or personal goals, just relationship goals.)   In my head I agreed with him, because I knew it would never happen with him being my husband.  

..........................................

Take me away from this place

Remove the walls crowding my face

Crumbling to the ground I fall

A million different pieces in all

I was like a mouse in a maze, running toward the next dead end.   I couldn't find a way out of the relationship.  I wanted to leave.  I was desperate and willing to do anything God told me to do; as long as I could be healed. 

............................................

Dark windows as I approach the house

Inside will be quiet as a mouse

The darkest hours are just before dawn

What about silent nights and the tears they spawn?

He was working in Chicago and it was the best thing that could have happened for me.  It gave me room to breath and see what was really happening.  I was unraveling the web I was tied up in.  Some nights were dark and tearful as I reflected over my marriage and the reality of it. 

Conclusion

When I said, "Yes." I meant it for Eternity

When I looked in the mirrors no faces did I see

When I walked out of that Holy Place,

I never wanted those feelings to erase

He had a way of doing that you see

He took what I wanted and tossed it into the sea

As time when on so did the anger

Flames burning up my peaceful home making it a danger

Confusion was next

It crept in like the morning dew

So silent and quiet I never knew

I lost my inner voice

It was told to have no choice

The outer shell of my spirit protected what I hold dear

Then the tears appeared

Big or small it didn't matter the size

I learned to hold them in big surprise

Locked up, I couldn't break free

I made a promise for Eternity

God told me the promise will always hold true

I then knew what I needed to do

The night I made the choice, I heard my inner voice

"You deserve better than this, you are a Princess.

Go find a Prince who loves Me dear,

He will protect you and not make you fear.

Don't forget my blessings child,

This man you seek will be meek and mild;

He will Honor the Priesthood too,

Something you've longed and missed just for you." 

As I wiped the tears off my face,

I know I'm in a better place.

I wrote this to sum up my experience.  I was thinking about how am I suppose to tell my friends and family.  How can I tell them about the verbal abuse?  It can't be seen, only felt.  As I was pondering this, I had the thought to write a poem from the beginning of the relationship to the end, and this is it.  

There are a few points I want to bring out.  In the beginning when I say 'No faces did I see' I really didn't see us when I looked in the mirrors after the Sealing.   I was standing there and I could see him, but where my face was suppose to be, was my father-in- laws.   I tried moving around so I could see myself and his reflection followed me.  I remember feeling perplexed, uneasy, cheated, confused, and wondering.  When I turned around, my father-in-law was not sitting behind us, he was sitting in the witness chair off to the side.  It was so busy after the Sealing with the friends and family and congratulations, I didn't think more of it.  But the feelings have never left me.  

When I say 'The outer shell of my spirit protected what I hold dear' I'm talking about the Temple  Covenants I made.  The one thing he couldn't take from me;  The strength of Heavenly Father.  The tears that follow, I'm referring to all the times I sat in church by myself wishing to have a husband who would follow God's teachings.  All the times I went to the Temple and wanted to see him on the other side and in the Celestial room.   My whole life I dreamed of being in the Temple with my husband and at church with him; and when it didn't happen I was crushed.  Devastated.  Broken.  

The end when I talk about my inner voice speaking to me, I'm talking about things said in my Patriarchal Blessing.  (not specifically, per say)   But I always wondered why certain things were said during the  Marriage part of my blessing.  And I can't believe how accurate it has turned out.   I will say this one line written: 'I'm to accept nothing less than the Priesthood in my home.'  That simple line of truth has given me more strength than anything else.   I thought I had chosen the Priesthood to be in my home, but he has  free agency and chose not to follow.  It may seem so small, but for me it was an anchor.  The constant reminder to follow God's Plan and that is where happiness lies; and having the Priesthood in my home is where I can have an Eternal Family and the blessing surrounding it.  

 Also, when I was writing this part of the poem, it was so real.  My spirit was teaching me and telling me promises from Heavenly Father.   I was thinking about how many times we went to the Temple as a couple and it was 4x.  Once when I received my Endowment.  Once right before we got married.  Once on our honeymoon.  Then a year later we went to his friends Sealing, but no Session. (the only reason he went was because his Recommend was still active and he didn't have to go to church to renew it)   It made me sad.  For me going to the Temple is a HUGE part of my life, always has been.  Again, it was devastating to finally be able to go with my husband and he refused to go. 

The ending line 'I know I'm in a better place' states peace of mind.  The battle of my spirit and the confusion surrounding me is gone.  I'm not conflicted.  I am free of this burden.  

Child, Statue, Questions, Work, & Growing

Sweet child of mine, do you know you're divine?

This hurt you feel will be so small,

I'm ready to give you all.

Child, close your eyes and dream

I'm beside you and on your team

I know your hearts desires and the people you'll inspire

Oh, sweet child of mine, remember you're divine. 

It was raining the night I wrote this.  The rain sounded so peaceful and felt so cleansing.   Although the rain was coming down hard, I heard a soft voice speaking to me.  And this poem is what I heard.

............................................................

I stand in one place and watch the world spin

Every one's so busy they can't see the pain I'm in

Are they in pain too?

Maybe we are all like a statue?

I had to tell all my clients about the divorce and I was so sick of talking about it every hour.  This poem is stating that once it's told they go on with their lives and forget about it.  While I have to keep talking about it and feeling the pain from it.  Then I realized that we are all going through stuff and I'm not the only one in pain.  When I say like a statue, it's symbolizing our own hurt and the solidity of it; and no one else can know it.

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All the pieces of my life are at my feet

The only questions I have 

What do I leave?  What do I keep?

When the walls of life come crumbling down and you pull yourself from the rubble, there are a lot of things you don't want to bring into your new life;  A lot of things you do.   I think it's a learning curve, and in life you are constantly renewing good values, Testimony, friendships, relationships, goals, motivation, own thoughts and etc.  Through this process we learn, grow, become stronger and humble.

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I can feel the work of God in my heart

Lifting and carrying away all the bad parts

Whispering ever so small

I'm listening to Him call

I've never felt anything like this before.  I really could feel the work of God in my heart.  The Atonement in action.  It was truly amazing, precious, and sacred.

..........................................................

So much love in my heart

I feel it growing, it wants to start

Giving, caring, and smiles to share

Oh, I dream of someone to care

Kids to tuck in bed at night

Kisses on cheeks such a delight

Giggles coming from the other room

Building forts out of sheets and making lunch at noon

Watching a family grown

Is something I hope to know 

I never realized how not loving someone or having a person not accept love could change you.  It made me feel empty.  Completely unfulfilled.   As a woman, I feel it's my role to nurture, care, love, be gentle, kiss away sadness, cheer up a room, run an organized home, and have fulfillment in being a wife and mother.  When I was in my marriage, he didn't want kids, he didn't want me to nurture, care, love, and etc.   He was happy with us living separate lives.  I knew I wasn't living up to my full potential as a woman.

Each, Ring, Choice, Time, & Surprise

Each tear that falls in pain, will be replaced by tears of joy

Each beat of my broken heart, will be tied together again

Each despairing thought, will be replaced by hope

Each sleepless night, will bring a brighter future

Each sunrise, will promise God loves me

Each day that passes by, is one more closer to being healed

I'm reminding myself that this too shall pass.  The joy and peace I'm searching for has come and more is coming.   I'm on the right path.  Doing the right things.  I'm going to be okay. 

........................................................

Ring that meant so much to me, sparkles on my finger

Ring that symbolizes love, is dead like a dove

A stone symbolizes forever, we separated together

I was looking at my wedding ring and thinking about what it meant at the time he gave it to me.  So much hope, excitement, joy, love, and Eternity.   Then I realized what it actually meant and I remember laughing out loud at the comparison. 

..........................................................

The choice felt right that dreadful night

Awake in the morning, I felt no warning

God was there to guide me, walk beside me

Resting on my bed I feel like lead

Weighed down my sorrow

 Hoping for a better tomorrow

I was surprised I didn't regret deciding to get divorced.  For some reason when I had thought about doing it before, it seemed so abstract and distant.  I kept waiting to hear some warning or urging to not go through with it.  Even though, I knew God told me it was time and I didn't have to go through this anymore, I doubted myself, just for a moment.  

........................................................

It's time to take it off, remove all that's lost

Forget the hurt, sorrow, and pain

We will never be together again

Heaviness on my left ring finger

I know you want to linger

Please let me break free

I want to be alive and be me

It's time to take it off

Remove it, forget all that's lost

I went into my bedroom to take off my wedding ring and I started to cry.  I was surprised to say the least.  I really didn't expect to be so emotional about it.  I sat down on my bed and pondered.  I gave myself a little pep-talk, and wrote this poem.   Then I took off my wedding ring and never looked back.

.........................................................

What is this wetness in my eyes?

It comes like a big surprise

I'm the one who made the choice

I listened to my inner voice

The tears fall down my smiling face

Irony, these two in the same place

I was so happy to be away from the abusive relationship,  I couldn't believe I was crying.   I knew deep in my heart that getting divorced was the 'right' choice and I truly felt peace about it.  I was smiling from joy, but the tears were sad, hurtful tears; and that's the irony. 

Strength, Blackness, Begin, & Hate

Strength, come back to me

Help me off my knees

Breath, fill my lungs

Exhale, pull out the pain

Sleep, remove the memories

Awake, get me through my day

Hands, fold in prayer

Feet, take me away

Skin, feel the love surrounding you

Strength, you're coming back to me

The marriage was over and the reality was hard.  I knew it was going to be okay, but the time in between was rocky. 

.....................................................

Eyelids close on my reality

Blackness is what I see

What I feel is so much more,

An electric jolt to the core

Shock me, make me feel something new

Take away the clouds so blue

I knew the pain I felt was going to be short and strong.  I was tired of feeling hurt and wanted to feel something new;  Anything but the pain of an ended relationship! 

.......................................................

It's the End, time to Begin

When love dies, hatred lies

A limp body lies at night

Too much misery to get up and fight

Slowly processing all the thoughts

Analyzing all that's lost

Hoping it will erase

Leaving an empty space

It was over and I knew it was time to move on.  I couldn't move on until I processed everything that happened.  I needed to be still and quiet so God  could heal me.  

...............................................

I hate you leaves my mouth,

The mouth that kissed you

I hate you slips off my tongue,

The tongue that said I love you

I hate you burns in my eyes

The eyes that were sparkly on our wedding day

I hate you a big statement?

A statement that is true.

I hate you

I know you do

I was so angry with him when I wrote this.  I really did hate him.  I can't describe in words the hurt and hatred I felt.  At the end when I say 'I know you do', I'm referring to his emptiness.  In my mind, he must hate himself and that's why he is so bitter and angry.   I really did tell him that I hated him.  It was the only time I've ever said that to anyone.  A few days later I called the Lawyer to get divorced.  He didn't mind using that term lightly, and told me more than once that he hated me. 

When I write this, I can't believe it happened.  It seems so surreal.  I am perplexed that I stayed married to him for 4 years.  It was within the first year of marriage when he said he hated me the first time.  Who does that?  Who says I hate you to their wife?   It feels like a dream; actually, like a nightmare!  Thank goodness, I woke up!!! 

Pretty face, Pretending, & Pain

Pretty face looking back at me,

Why can't others see?

My hairs done just right

I hold my smile tight

I say please and thank you

I'm tied together with a smile 

So what lies beneath 

Won't creep up

I was done being tied together with a smile and image.  I was tired of faking it.  It was exhausting acting like I was happy with my marriage.   I'm also wanting other people to see; almost like I'm crying for help with a shhh. 

........................................................

Pretending, is that what I do?

Pretending to love you?

Pretending to be happy?

Pretending to not face reality?

Pretending I do!

I was so good at faking happiness for other people, I had done it to myself.   One night, I was pondering over my life and listening to my inner voice and realized I was pretending.   Fooling myself and not seeing what was really going on.  It was the night I admitted to myself that I was in an abusive relationship. 

..............................................................

I must die from all this pain

It's the only way I'll ever live again

Tears keep flowing

Heart stop beating

Mind shut off

Eyes still dark,

Blink find the light

I wrote this the night I realized he was never going to change.  He was so caught up in drinking and as he said it, "Being a rock star".   He was completely selfish.  I was done with the relationship.  The next day I called the lawyer and it was over.  At the end when I say 'blink find the light' that is symbolizing new birth.  A new start.  An end to the past.  A door to the future.  I could move on!

Stop, Stranger, & Stupid Boy

Stop the insanity

Lets make peace

Stop blaming

Lets understand

Stop building walls

Lets make a home

I was at a point where I was done fighting.  I didn't want to be angry anymore.  I wanted to find a resolution.  The only problem with that was, he didn't. 

......................................................

I want him to say I'm pretty 

Not a stranger

I want him to stare at me with love in his eyes

Not a stranger

I want him to want me

Not a stranger

A stranger I have

 To make it simple, he didn't look at me with love in his eyes.  He didn't tell me I was pretty.  He didn't want me.  I had other people (strangers) telling me I was pretty or guys staring at me when I waked by.  When I say 'A Stranger I have', it means two things: 1. He was not in love with me anymore, so he became a stranger.  2. The people who did tell me theses things were strangers. 

...........................................................

The harder I try, the more helpless he thinks I am

Stupid boy

The bigger the smile I fake, the more he thinks he's fooled me

Stupid boy

The more I listen to his feelings, the better he feels

Stupid boy

The more I suppress my feelings, the better it is for him

Stupid girl

I was starting to realize the verbal abuse cycle he was spinning.  When I say stupid girl at the end, it relates to the whole poem. If you look back at the poem you'll see the girl is the only one doing anything  and making an effort.  While the boy sits back and enjoys it.   But the girl wasn't stupid like the boy thought.  I had figured it out.  He didn't have control like he thought.  Which is why I say, stupid boy.

Endless, Acid,and Blink

Desert prairie so open

Desert crack so closed

Ocean so vast

Waves so strong

Space endless

Feelings so open

Feelings so closed

Heart so vast

Emotions so strong

Love Endless

I was starting to realize all hope wasn't lost.  Feelings so open: symbolizes his need to only care about himself.  For me it symbolizes that one day I could have a relationship where I can share my feelings and/or thoughts freely.  Feelings so closed: states his lack of feeling for other people; sympathy or empathy.  To me, I was locked up in my feelings with no one to listen.  Heart so vast: is the emptiness he gave.  Heart so vast: symbolizes I could be healed and move on. Emotions so strong: he thought every single emotion he ever felt needed to be shared in anger or resentment.  For me, it's saying I'm on a roller coaster of emotions with him.  I never know what I'm going to receive. Love endless: is stating the emptiness I feel in the relationship and no matter what I do, it will remain endless.  The flip side, I'm saying love is endless and so big that I can love again and get away from this dark abyss. 

.....................................................

Diamond ring on my finger

Coal in my heart

Love in my eyes

Tears in my throat

Veins in my hands

Blood runs cold

Tender lips

Acid words

Listening ears

Splinters

Curious nose

Deadly vapors

When writing this poem, I was becoming aware of the irony in my life.  I might have a diamond ring on my finger, but my heart was black as coal.  All the things I tried to do to make the relationship work, came back as opposite, extreme opposite.

.................................................

Can you see it,

This hole in my chest?

Heart still beating

Lungs still breathing

Eyes still blinking

Where am I?

I thought I was really good at covering up the hurt I was feeling inside.  I was positive no one could tell I was in an abusive relationship.  There were no physical marks to see with they eye, only deep emotional wounds that changed my happy demeanor.  One by one those people who know me the best started seeing the hole in my chest and helped me find my inner voice. 

Cold, Missing and Reality

You're cold as winter

Just as bitter

I hate your emptiness

Vast regrets

Gaping wounds 

Sliced up my heart

Broken...

Just broken

Written the day I realized no matter how much love I have to give, it will never be received.  

.....................................................................

Away is where you are

Not just a drive in a car

Your heart is what I seek

Searching, yearning

Ah ha, there's a peek

I've felt it before

It's kept highly guarded

Strong is what you think

Weak is what you reap

Describing how much he protected his heart/emotions.  To the point of pure misery and bitterness.   To him love was hatred and pain.  Not hope, joy, happiness or bliss. 

...................................................

Reality is a strange word

Mine is mine

Yours is yours

Understanding is lacking

Start packing?

No, not so

Fill it with what?

Broken pieces?

What about trying?

Noose is hanging, slip in heart

Why kill it twice?

"I'm not dead yet," said the willing heart!

When I wrote this, I was so confused about what to do.  Do I stay?  Do I go?  Do I keep trying?  And if I do all these things will I feel peace in my life again?  The hanging of the heart is the Will Power I had to keep going even though it might kill me. 

Echo and Used

Echo, is that my voice?

Swirling, turning, what choice?

Echo, it rings back empty.

A heart as cold as a river floor.

When writing Echo,  I realized the voice I had come to love in my youth was quiet.   That gentle beacon of truth was silent and I couldn't find direction.  I was lost in my own soul.  I couldn't find me.  I couldn't hear me.  Where had I gone? 

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Dents, holes, rust, stains

Soft, gentle, warm, new

What once was alive in now used

This describes how I went into the marriage: soft, gentle, warm, new and what happened during marriage: dents, holes, rust, stains.

Sweetness...

Sweetness, where are you?

Sweetness, I find you in a cookie.

Sweetness, I find you in a snack.

Sweetness I want you, but not like that.

The sweetness I adore is from Mi Amore.

Sweetness, where are you?

I remember getting off the phone with him one night and wondering what happened to being nice?  What happened to caring?  Why wasn't I his sweetie anymore?  When did I become a means to an end? Why was he so rude and mean to me?  I didn't understand.  It didn't matter how nice I was to him or how sweet I acted.  He felt like he deserved it! 

Soaring and Poison

Fly away bird, fly away.

On the wings the air flows,

They lift you up with huffs and blows.

The sparrow eats it up and wants it to stay.

The wind will stop.

The sparrow will fall.

Spinning, whirling, tumbling far.

Make it stop, this cycle of pride.

The only way is in your heart.

Love thy self,

The wind always blows.

I wrote this to describe when he needed other peoples praise and attention to make himself feel good and important.  If he would realized, he could love himself,  that feeling would never go away. 

................................................................

Poison is what you are

I want to drink

Addiction to my heart

I want to eat

Fill my veins with it

I want to sleep

Awake in the night

I want more

When I wrote this, I knew I was 'addicted' to making my relationship work.  The harder I tried the more helpless the situation seemed.  I knew it was bad, but I wanted to make it work.  Even though it was poison, I felt a desire to keep trying.  

The beginning

How life  feels when you're living with a verbally abusive spouse.

1. Like trying to run up a snow covered hill with rubber boots for shoes. 

2. A fly, flying into a glass window hoping to reach the other side and never realizing the window is open inches from where you are.

Prince Charming (short story)

You're living your life and all is well.  You feel in control of your thoughts and emotions.  You have a positive outlook on life.  The sun is shinning and the birds are singing.  A smile is on your face.  You enjoy life and look forward to the next day full of sunshine and happiness.

Then you meet a great, good looking Prince who sweeps you off your feet and wants to marry you.  He showers you with romance and tells you all the things you want to hear.  You get married to Prince Charming thinking he's going to take you to the castle.  After all, that is where he said he wanted to take you to live and have a family.

So you keep following him thinking you're going to the castle.  But little did you know your Prince is also the Archery man with his words that shoot out of his mouth aiming for your heart.  He's the ropes man too.  He ties you up with your emotions,  so tight you can't speak, until the rope breaks and emotions come pouring out like a barrel of snakes.

He charms you again with his grace and cunning ways.  So you follow him, all the while wondering where the castle is.  Then he shows  you more tricks.  This time he's the horse man.  He's got you chopping on the bit with the rains in his hands yelling, "You can't do that!"  "Stop it, don't go there!"  All the while you're trying to figure out how the bit got into your mouth and why it's still there.

You want to feel like you did before.  Happy.  Free. Alive. Breathing.  But your pack is full of things you never wanted and never thought existed. 

You're aware of your surroundings for the first time in years.  The shattered promise of the Castle tugs at your mind.  You realize you're not on the path toward the caste.  In fact, you can't even see it.  You haven't moved at all, just stumbled in circles.  The dark clouds hang low.  The thick dew creeps up your legs keeping you immovable.   As your head looks up, the clouds part and the sun shines down on you like before, warming your shattered body; releasing the daggers, ropes and bit; while showing you a small path that is straight, right next to the one you've been struggling on.  

Will Prince Charming come?

Don't know.

I was seeing my therapist at the time I wrote this story.  I'm not sure what we talked about, but that night, this story came to me.  I couldn't write fast enough.  I'm guessing something we talked about helped me put the pieces of my life together and helped me realize I wasn't crazy.  These thing were really happening to me and I needed to make it stop.   

Part of a verbally abusive relationship is they confuse your judgement by degrading your thoughts.  Over time it makes you feel crazy and you loose sight of your inner self ; because you're being told it doesn't matter what you think or feel.   I honestly never thought this would happen to me.  I was strong, I knew who I was, I had goals, motivation, God in my life and I was truly happy.  How did I marry someone who would do this to me?  Why didn't I see this before?  Why?    Instead of making myself crazy over the whys, I looked at the situation as, what can I learn from this?  How can I grow stronger?  What can I do to move forward?