Strength, Blackness, Begin, & Hate

Strength, come back to me

Help me off my knees

Breath, fill my lungs

Exhale, pull out the pain

Sleep, remove the memories

Awake, get me through my day

Hands, fold in prayer

Feet, take me away

Skin, feel the love surrounding you

Strength, you're coming back to me

The marriage was over and the reality was hard.  I knew it was going to be okay, but the time in between was rocky. 

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Eyelids close on my reality

Blackness is what I see

What I feel is so much more,

An electric jolt to the core

Shock me, make me feel something new

Take away the clouds so blue

I knew the pain I felt was going to be short and strong.  I was tired of feeling hurt and wanted to feel something new;  Anything but the pain of an ended relationship! 

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It's the End, time to Begin

When love dies, hatred lies

A limp body lies at night

Too much misery to get up and fight

Slowly processing all the thoughts

Analyzing all that's lost

Hoping it will erase

Leaving an empty space

It was over and I knew it was time to move on.  I couldn't move on until I processed everything that happened.  I needed to be still and quiet so God  could heal me.  

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I hate you leaves my mouth,

The mouth that kissed you

I hate you slips off my tongue,

The tongue that said I love you

I hate you burns in my eyes

The eyes that were sparkly on our wedding day

I hate you a big statement?

A statement that is true.

I hate you

I know you do

I was so angry with him when I wrote this.  I really did hate him.  I can't describe in words the hurt and hatred I felt.  At the end when I say 'I know you do', I'm referring to his emptiness.  In my mind, he must hate himself and that's why he is so bitter and angry.   I really did tell him that I hated him.  It was the only time I've ever said that to anyone.  A few days later I called the Lawyer to get divorced.  He didn't mind using that term lightly, and told me more than once that he hated me. 

When I write this, I can't believe it happened.  It seems so surreal.  I am perplexed that I stayed married to him for 4 years.  It was within the first year of marriage when he said he hated me the first time.  Who does that?  Who says I hate you to their wife?   It feels like a dream; actually, like a nightmare!  Thank goodness, I woke up!!!