Conclusion

When I said, "Yes." I meant it for Eternity

When I looked in the mirrors no faces did I see

When I walked out of that Holy Place,

I never wanted those feelings to erase

He had a way of doing that you see

He took what I wanted and tossed it into the sea

As time when on so did the anger

Flames burning up my peaceful home making it a danger

Confusion was next

It crept in like the morning dew

So silent and quiet I never knew

I lost my inner voice

It was told to have no choice

The outer shell of my spirit protected what I hold dear

Then the tears appeared

Big or small it didn't matter the size

I learned to hold them in big surprise

Locked up, I couldn't break free

I made a promise for Eternity

God told me the promise will always hold true

I then knew what I needed to do

The night I made the choice, I heard my inner voice

"You deserve better than this, you are a Princess.

Go find a Prince who loves Me dear,

He will protect you and not make you fear.

Don't forget my blessings child,

This man you seek will be meek and mild;

He will Honor the Priesthood too,

Something you've longed and missed just for you." 

As I wiped the tears off my face,

I know I'm in a better place.

I wrote this to sum up my experience.  I was thinking about how am I suppose to tell my friends and family.  How can I tell them about the verbal abuse?  It can't be seen, only felt.  As I was pondering this, I had the thought to write a poem from the beginning of the relationship to the end, and this is it.  

There are a few points I want to bring out.  In the beginning when I say 'No faces did I see' I really didn't see us when I looked in the mirrors after the Sealing.   I was standing there and I could see him, but where my face was suppose to be, was my father-in- laws.   I tried moving around so I could see myself and his reflection followed me.  I remember feeling perplexed, uneasy, cheated, confused, and wondering.  When I turned around, my father-in-law was not sitting behind us, he was sitting in the witness chair off to the side.  It was so busy after the Sealing with the friends and family and congratulations, I didn't think more of it.  But the feelings have never left me.  

When I say 'The outer shell of my spirit protected what I hold dear' I'm talking about the Temple  Covenants I made.  The one thing he couldn't take from me;  The strength of Heavenly Father.  The tears that follow, I'm referring to all the times I sat in church by myself wishing to have a husband who would follow God's teachings.  All the times I went to the Temple and wanted to see him on the other side and in the Celestial room.   My whole life I dreamed of being in the Temple with my husband and at church with him; and when it didn't happen I was crushed.  Devastated.  Broken.  

The end when I talk about my inner voice speaking to me, I'm talking about things said in my Patriarchal Blessing.  (not specifically, per say)   But I always wondered why certain things were said during the  Marriage part of my blessing.  And I can't believe how accurate it has turned out.   I will say this one line written: 'I'm to accept nothing less than the Priesthood in my home.'  That simple line of truth has given me more strength than anything else.   I thought I had chosen the Priesthood to be in my home, but he has  free agency and chose not to follow.  It may seem so small, but for me it was an anchor.  The constant reminder to follow God's Plan and that is where happiness lies; and having the Priesthood in my home is where I can have an Eternal Family and the blessing surrounding it.  

 Also, when I was writing this part of the poem, it was so real.  My spirit was teaching me and telling me promises from Heavenly Father.   I was thinking about how many times we went to the Temple as a couple and it was 4x.  Once when I received my Endowment.  Once right before we got married.  Once on our honeymoon.  Then a year later we went to his friends Sealing, but no Session. (the only reason he went was because his Recommend was still active and he didn't have to go to church to renew it)   It made me sad.  For me going to the Temple is a HUGE part of my life, always has been.  Again, it was devastating to finally be able to go with my husband and he refused to go. 

The ending line 'I know I'm in a better place' states peace of mind.  The battle of my spirit and the confusion surrounding me is gone.  I'm not conflicted.  I am free of this burden.